Rainy Sunday

I like animals much better than people most of the time.

I don’t like crowds and don’t like making small talk. I am not a clique woman. I never have been. Once in a great while I meet someone who seems to be on my same frequency but those are few and very rare. In general I don’t trust people and don’t dare get too close. I’ve been hurt so badly before and won’t risk it again. Float like a butterfly but don’t get too close. 

There are lots of emotional vampires out there disguised as normal people. I’ve made a lot of really really stupid foolish mistakes in my past that I will never be able to fix. You just do your best and try to go on until you can’t. I don’t know how much longer I have. I feel a heightened urgency about life these days. I guess being retired allows you more time to contemplate the meaning and purpose of your life and your legacy. You’re not in the rush to go to work and earn your paycheck. Maybe I have too much time to think now. I have a weakened immune system, damaged brain and eyes from the cancer, random neurological pain and weakness from the cancer and two blocked heart arteries so there are a lot of strikes against me in this stage of the game. I just need to suck out all the sweet juice of life while I can.

After I retired I had it in my head that I had to be really busy and productive. I joined a bunch of clubs and committees. I found that I was too busy, stressed and didn’t have time for family and other important things. I’ve spent the last year slowly bowing out of a number of things that were more of a chore than bringing me peace and joy. I’m okay with not being super busy. I’m traveling more and working on a few projects at my own pace.